CIVIL360: FROM ME TO WE TO US
CIVIL360: FROM ME TO WE TO US
WELCOME TO
CIVIL360
FROM ME TO WE TO US
Civil360 focuses on everyday interactions through three lenses – me, we, and us – to emphasize the importance of civility in all environments.
It starts with inner exploration to cultivate self-awareness. Self-awareness is labeled as a soft skill. But labels are limiting. Soft skills get a bad rap because they feel too burdensome, but the paradox is that they help us feel better, work better, and communicate better. At its core, civility is about recognizing the humanity in others. To help you do that, go within first.
Embrace curiosity rather than defensiveness or judgment about your own thoughts, reactions, beliefs, biases, and assumptions. Know thyself is a good starting point for seeing others. We can then we extend this awareness outward to acknowledge our shared humanity, which then unites us around a common purpose.
Take a moment to observe and recognize that everyone shares similar aspirations to yours. Everyone seeks their own version of fulfillment and happiness. Civility entails making a deliberate choice to be thoughtful, respectful, and cooperative – qualities you likely desire from others as well.
Every interaction presents an opportunity to display civility; ultimately, it boils down to a choice. Anyone can cultivate conscious civility in their daily interactions.
Civility is remarkably contagious. Striving for perfection isn't the aim; rather, it's a collective dedication to opt for greater civility. Civil360 is more than a catchy phrase; it's a reminder to put it into action every day.
This course is dedicated in loving memory to my beloved brother-in-law, Joseph P. Kinsella. Joe was the kind of leader that led straight from his heart. He saw people. He saw that they were just like him. He didn’t care who you were or where you came from - he wanted to know you and help you.
CIVIL360: FROM ME TO WE TO US
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CIVIL360: FROM ME TO WE TO US 〰️
MODULE 1CIVIL360: FROM ME TO WE TO US
EVERYONE experiences, observes, or participates in some degree of uncivil behavior.
Research suggests that incivility is costing companies billions of lost workdays due to these types of interpersonal stressors. That’s B … for billions. (Source: Christine Porath: Mastering Civility: A Manifesto for the Workplace.)
That’s a lot of productivity, innovation, decision-making, problem-solving, and learning that is being lost to incivility. Imagine the potential benefits when the environment is healthier.
Civility takes more than etiquette. True civility is about recognition and unity.
Civility is defined as the act of showing regard for others by being polite. And incivility is defined as behavior that is demeaning, dismissive, disrespectful, and divisive.
And yet, we won’t find total consensus. What one person finds offensive, another might see as only bothersome. Who is right? Who is wrong? Who decides?
ME: THERE'S NO ONE TO CHANGE BUT SELF
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ME: THERE'S NO ONE TO CHANGE BUT SELF 〰️
MODULE 2ME: NO ONE TO CHANGE BUT SELF
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Self-regulation is the key to building long-lasting resiliency.
Fight-or-flight is an exquisitely designed system devoted to survival, however, it diminishes focus, learning, and a sense of safety. Unless real danger is present, fight-or-flight needs a reset.
In survival mode, we lose valuable energy because we are self-protecting. Rest and digest is the opposite of fight or flight. In rest-and-digest mode, we recover and renew our energy toward wellbeing and resiliency.
Self-regulation is the ability to observe our emotions/reactions without judgment and self-criticism.
TRY THIS:
With consistent practice, our brain can be trained to be less reactive.
When triggered, ease out of fight-or-flight and into rest-and-digest through DEEP breathing. Deep breathing reduces the chemical surge induced by fear within 90 seconds. Deep breathing signals to the brain that there is no threat, allowing the body to return to homeostasis (rest and digest).
This simple practice is one way to choose self-care and increase personal power to heal and renew.
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While it's undeniable that there's no justification for incivility, there are plenty of compelling reasons to acknowledge that you have the power to alter your response to it. Resistance is a natural reflex to situations that challenge or contradict our beliefs. Yet, what we resist often persists, pulling us further from our desired outcomes. Resistance has the potential to transform into rumination, resentment, or in extreme cases, retaliation or violence.
Replaying angry or distressing thoughts can lead to stagnation and a gradual erosion of your inner peace, vitality, and well-being. Let tranquility be the only enduring state that nourishes your body and mind. Is it simple? Can anything truly be easy? Let's reframe the question. Is it worthwhile?
Civil360 embodies the holistic approach to fostering healthy, respectful dialogue. Instead of perceiving challenging conversations as obstacles, regard them as opportunities to cultivate a growth mindset.
Civility doesn't mean sacrificing boundaries. It's a conscious decision to recognize the humanity within us and others, and to continually choose that recognition.
Boundaries are essential for every individual. When asserting boundaries, opt for "I" statements instead of "You" statements. By maintaining the focus on yourself, you can prevent interactions from triggering reactive mental states. Speaking from an "I" statement rather than a "You" statement alleviates the sense of disconnection that arises from reactive and resistant states."I" Statements versus "You" Statements
Boundaries are a human need for everyone.
Here’s how to increase a better outcome for yourself and others.
Use I Statements versus You Statements to assert a boundary. “I” statements feel less threatening. Whereas, “you” statements trigger defensive positions.
For example:
I felt ...
I experienced ...
I observed ....
versus
You did this ...
You made me ...
You’re to blame ...
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Every person has a role in fostering a civil and respectful workplace environment. Reflect on a time when your own behavior, attitudes, and choices contributed positively or negatively to workplace culture.
Go deeper into inner self-awareness, accountability, and respectful communication in promoting civility.
Building Resiliency through Awareness
It’s All About Me
Triggers: how to recognize fight or flight and stop it before it spirals
Assumptions: Why am I making this assumption? What do I believe to be true?
Perceptions: Gut feelings are not always truth-tellers. Get curious. Why am I feeling this? What is it about what I am perceiving that is causing this feeling? What do I believe? How do I know it’s true?
Accountability: Be more curious about your thoughts, beliefs, perceptions. Make space for new insights that increase emotional and social intelligence.
Building self-awareness builds resiliency. Becoming aware of our own assumptions, triggers, and reactions enables a growth mindset to seed and grow.
The key to greater ease is to direct your personal power to respond, rather than react to a challenge or difficult condition or circumstance.
CHOOSE to be civil even when others choose differently. The actions of others do not remove our choice for how to respond. Be civil regardless of what others are doing. Be civil for your peace.
There’s no one to change but self is both a powerful and empowering truth. To attempt to change anyone else can prove exhausting. You can’t really change others. You can only change yourself. It’s like the oxygen mask principle, you have to attend to self first. And that is where true power lies - within oneself.
Civility has to be about our individual peace of mind. The goal is to be civil for your own source of peace. And when others choose differently, how you respond - and recover - is within your control.
CHOOSE to be civil even when others choose differently. The actions of others do not remove our choice for how to respond. Be civil regardless of what others are doing. Be civil for your peace.
We can influence others by choosing to contribute to unity rather than separation. That’s how to change others: change self first.
YOU SAY POTATO, I SAY POTAHDO
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YOU SAY POTATO, I SAY POTAHDO 〰️
MODULE 3YOU SAY POTATO, I SAY POTAHDO
Although we may agree on general definitions of civility and incivility, our interpretations often diverge. What one person finds offensive, or troubling, may barely register for another.
In contrast, recognition serves as a channel for connection and empathy. It builds bridges where division seeks to tear them down.
Comparisons are about separation. Whereas identification (or empathy) is a form of connection.
Look for the bright spots, such as common ground regardless of agreement or disagreement. Blame is rabbit hole that goes nowhere but down.
Move away from the rabbit hole of separation and lean into the recognition that we have more in common than not.
WE: EVERYONE IS JUST LIKE ME
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WE: EVERYONE IS JUST LIKE ME 〰️
MODULE 4WE: EVERYONE IS JUST LIKE ME
We have more in common than we don’t. Here’s why.
Let’s assume that YOU want a good life. You want to feel safe and secure. You want meaningful work. You want to grow, learn, and contribute. You want love, and joy, and a peaceful world. You want your family, your friends, your kids to all be safe and happy. You want to be happy. You want to have fun. You want to be successful and prosperous. We all do.
We all want to enjoy our lives on our own terms. Let’s meet each other at that level of recognition.
Civility does not solve all problems for all people. But a civil culture WILL reduce the added stress load that results from all forms of incivility. Civility is an area we can CHOOSE to improve for ourselves, and, by our example, influence others.
It begins with me, it begins with you. Everyone is like me and everyone is like you.
US: 360 x 365
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US: 360 x 365 〰️
MODULE 5US: 360 x 365
Choose to show others that you value, respect, and appreciate them. Higher emotional intelligence is synonymous with civility.
It's not about liking everybody—civility can and does co-exist within differences. Look around and remind yourself that everyone is just like you. Everyone has a heart. Everyone desires their version of fulfillment and happiness.
Civility is the conscious choice to be considerate, courteous, and cooperative. That’s likely what you desire from others as well. For others to be considerate. For others to be kind. That’s a two-way street.
All interactions are openings to be civil; ultimately, it's a choice. Everyone can learn to practice conscious civility in their daily words and actions.
Don’t be tossed around by changing, temporary emotions and conditions. Be the stillness that observes and chooses rather than reacts and spirals.
A triggered state is a physiological state, i.e., the chemical rush of fight, flight, or freeze is a body-sense experience. That nervous system response wants us to do something, say something, or self-protect through silence.
Inner peace takes practice, sometimes a lot of practice. We’re humans, we need practice!
Practice strengthens peace. We’re not being Polly-Anna here. It’s not about positive thinking. It’s about awareness of the now moment and what is happening now. Expand awareness to expand personal peace.
THE ROLE OF LEADERS
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THE ROLE OF LEADERS 〰️
MODULE 6THE ROLE OF LEADERS
Civility is owned by each person, but leaders, more than anyone else, set the tone of what is tolerated and what is not tolerated. Model civil behaviors to signal its acceptance and importance.
Civility becomes a natural cultural norm when the leadership remains true to the values and practices of workplace wellness in all they do and say.
If the workplace culture lacks civility, it’s a psychological safety issue. Psychological safety is critical to a high-performing, respectful and emotionally intelligent workforce. The safer people feel, the more civility rises as a byproduct of that safety.
Civility is a conscious choice we make for ourselves, and through our actions, influence others. When civility becomes embedded in the culture, the benefits become tangible, observable, and ultimately quantifiable in business terms.
The best way to manifest a civil culture is to practice it intentionally until it is second nature.
By demonstrating the transition from "me" to "we" to "us," leaders underscore the interconnectedness of individual behavior, teamwork, and organizational culture in promoting workplace civility. It reinforces the idea that promoting civility is not just a personal responsibility but a collective endeavor that benefits everyone in the organization.
Healthy cultures result in improved engagement, retention, innovative teamwork, and satisfied customers – all the intangible metrics essential for organizational health and longevity.
Mental Models for Better Communication
Who’s On First is the Copyright of Universal Pictures.
Adapted from the book: The Fifth Discipline Fieldbook, Peter Senge, et al.
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
The Ladder of Inference: The Assumption Buster!
Mental models represent the deeply held internal images, assumptions, and stories we tell ourselves about every aspect of our world. We each create our own explanation of a situation and it happens so quickly and often unconsciously.
The Ladder of Inference describes the thought process we go through to take action.
The model illustrates thinking stages as rungs on a ladder. It shows what happens if we don’t stop to challenge our assumptions and jump to the wrong conclusions.
Starting at the bottom of the ladder, we:
1. Observe data in our environment.
2. Select data based on beliefs and prior experiences.
3. Assume we know all the facts, etc.
4. Draw conclusions based our assumptions.
5. Develop beliefs based on these conclusions.
6. Take actions that seem correct because they are based on what we believe.
Unexamined assumptions are a forerunner to bad decisions that can cause unintended losses of time, money, and talent. When issues remain hidden and unresolved, we lose opportunities for personal and team learning.
The Ladder of Inference helps us:
Become more aware of own thinking and reasoning (reflection).
Make our thinking and reasoning more visible to others (advocacy).
Inquire into others’ thinking and reasoning (inquiry).
This process helps to surface the differences in our perspectives and what we have in common.
The result is a more objective, step-by-step reasoning process for better conversations that lead to better outcomes.
Communication Skills: Advocacy and Inquiry
What’s the simplest way to move a conversation forward? Ask a question! Whenever your conversation tends toward a discussion where positions harden and frustration flares, turn the conversation around by asking questions. As the conversation moves forward, continue to ask questions that relate directly and obviously to what the other person is saying.
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Make your thinking process visible. Walk others up your ladder.
WHAT TO DO:
State your assumptions and describe and how you got there.
Explain the context of your point of view. Give examples of what you propose.
Encourage others to explore your model, your assumptions, and your data. Refrain from defensiveness when others question your ideas.
Reveal where you are clear in your thinking.
Listen, stay open, and encourage others to provide different views.
WHAT TO SAY:
“Here’s what I think, and here’s how I got there.”
“I assumed that…”
“I came to this conclusion because…”
“Here’s one aspect that you can help me think through…”
“Do you see it differently?”
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Ask others to make their thinking process visible. Walk them down the ladder.
WHAT TO DO:
Gently walk others through their thought processes and find out what data they’re operating from.
Ask questions in a way that doesn’t provoke defensiveness or “lead the witness.”
Draw out their reasoning. Find out as much as you can about why they’re saying what they’re saying.
Explain your reasons for inquiring and how your inquiry relates to your own concerns, hopes, and needs.
Test what others say by asking for broader context or examples.
Check your understanding of what others say. Listen for new understanding that may emerge.
WHAT TO SAY:
“What leads you to conclude that?” or “What data do you have for that?” or “What causes you to say that?”
Instead of “What do you mean?” or “What’s your proof?” say “Can you help me understand your thinking here?”
“What is the significance of that?” or “How does this relate to your other concerns?” or “Where does your reasoning go next?”
“I’m asking you about your assumptions here because…”
“How would your proposal affect…?” or “Is this similar to…?” “Can you describe an example…?”
“Am I correct that you’re saying…?”
Adapted from the book: The Fifth Discipline Fieldbook, Peter Senge, et al, pp. 256-258.